Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize