We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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