Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
