All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
