and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
