god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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