I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
