Just cropdusted the office
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
