Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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