I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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