I faked an abortion last night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
