I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
