come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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