In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
