I am full of burrito and curiosity
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
