I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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