if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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