sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
