I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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