No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
