it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
