so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
