she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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