look no pants
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
