bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
