I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
