Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
