Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
