I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
