Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
