is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
