I will die if light touches me.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
