If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
