im six kinds of drunk right now
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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