somebody snuck up and got me drunk
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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