i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
