She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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