If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
