remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Everything about him screamed your future.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
