So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
