Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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