Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the day after is always just damage control
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
