Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
