he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
