I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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