i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
