ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
