I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
