if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
