Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
