we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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