her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
