ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
