i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
