I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
