i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
